I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize