I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
