My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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