If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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