The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize