i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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