Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
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Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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