actually, I'm a sock model
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize