I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
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I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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