I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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