I just made out with a guy for $7.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
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Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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