i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize