What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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