Texts From Last Night

astonmartin's Favorites Texts:

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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5468) Bad night (1178)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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  (636): She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome http://tfl.nu/8vj5
  Replies (9) Good night (4935) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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  (817): Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for? http://tfl.nu/2cqu
  Replies (5) Good night (3521) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
  Replies (11) Good night (7313) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
  Replies (11) Good night (8101) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
  Replies (20) Good night (8545) Bad night (1244) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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  (303): You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat. (1-303): ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent. http://tfl.nu/2smi
  Replies (17) Good night (12394) Bad night (1482) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

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  (516): I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs http://tfl.nu/s3ms
  Replies (19) Good night (4875) Bad night (1201) Order T-Shirt
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  (221): View more from

  I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.

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  (221): I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/7n2x
  Replies (20) Good night (1054) Bad night (7336) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
  Replies (30) Good night (5786) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
  Replies (39) Good night (5532) Bad night (636)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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  (315): a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop" http://tfl.nu/57y7
  Replies (20) Good night (4763) Bad night (1178)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her

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  (706): I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee (704): Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her http://tfl.nu/95cd
  Replies (23) Good night (4421) Bad night (648)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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  (972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr
  Replies (66) Good night (5500) Bad night (1078)