matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize