I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
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I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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