I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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