Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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