Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
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Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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