i wish peter jackson would direct porn
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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