she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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