billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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