My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Pooping to opera.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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