I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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