In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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