If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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