My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize