can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
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And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
This toilet bowl is my home.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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