its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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