whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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