The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
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I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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