I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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