Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I didn't notice because vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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