I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize