I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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