apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize