Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
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Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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