Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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