So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
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Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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