Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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