Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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