Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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