Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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