Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
a search helicopter?!
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
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You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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