Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
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I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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