I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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