Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
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