I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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