I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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