I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize